One more day to study till the big Math test. I feel confident but im scared because thats how i felt before and we all know that it didnt work out that way. I dont think Ive studied this hard for math. Probably because I always get frustrated to much. Math is the only subject that I lothe beyond any other entity on this planet. I have a deep rooted hatred for this subject. Ever since long division, I have shuttered at the mention of math. Yes, even at an early age, math tourmented my soul. But if I pass this class, it will be the last math class I will ever have to take, ending the vicious journey I have endured for so long. Yes, althought physics still lurks in the horizen, it will not be categorized under Math in the schedual of classes. To all of those who are horrible at math, my heart goes out to you. To those of you who are good at it, well, I am so desperate that I could see myself inventing a way of sucking out all you your brain and using your ability to think mathmatically to my advantage. Dont ask me how I could accomplish this, I really havent thought of it till now, but belive me, Id find a way. So everyone, dust of the good ol' Selena shrine, light some scented candles (vanilla perferably) and start the chanting. I am going to need every kind of power to get me through this class. I hope everyone is doing better then I am in there classes, you are in my heart if not. Good luck to everyone. And when the going gets tough, rememeber, Christmas break is almost here!!
"... I know my calculus, U + Me = Us..."

Hola!! I have office duty here at Res Life and since I picked the greatest time, there is not a single person here to bother me. So instead of studying for my midterm tomorrow, im taking advatage of the unlimited office supplies I have at my disposal. Amyways, my point is this. I was sitting in my classical sociological theory section talking about Weber and Universtiy learning. This may not make much sense to most of you, but believe me, its relevent. Anyways, we were talking about how the traditional style of learning sucks and how we would much rather be out actually learning stuff then just memorizing everything when later, all that we learned would ( for all you ochem people) would become leaving groups, making way for the next pile of junk we need to store in our short term memory. Now since I have started my research, my feelings for school have become less then luckwarm. Truthfully, I HATE IT!!! My classes couldnt even keep a vegetable happy. For those of you who dont know, I am master of Vibrio cholerea . I have learned more in the few months that Ive been around then I think ive learned in all 3 of my classes. I hate leaving to go to class or missing something because of class. So we are stuck in an "iorn cage" of American education, and there really isnt anything to do about it. Yuck. Oh and for all of you SC buddies, its the first rain today,come snag a spot on the balcony, because the naked people are coming tonight!!!

I thought this would be appropriate considering the weather:
"....and I wont be your winter..."

Yesterday, I had the most amazing conversation with J. I have never felt so alive as I did talking with him about life, love and all the little things that make us tick. Although his outlook on life is very pessimistic, its full of passion and I was so turned on mentally that my eyes constantly teared up . All I could think of was how amazing he was, and how much more I liked him. I just wanted to pick apart his brain, wanted him to talk more and more, about what it is to be alive. It awakened me, shook me up, It made me want to sing and to read poetry and books, to learn all there is to learn about everything in this world. I realize how sheltered I am and how much I really dont know. I thought of Pinero, listening to him. I could feel the words, I could hear the music, feel the passion. Never before have I felt that way. Both my mind and body were aroused by this boy, who although agreed with his negative views, now wishes to go back to being innocent. Wonderful. I will never forget that day, I will never forget how I felt and I will never forget him.

Two quotes are neccessary for this entry:

"....to love is eternal innocence
And the only innocence is not to think" - Fernando Pessoa

"...like patience, passion comes from the latin root pati . It does not mean to flow with exuberance. It means to suffer." - Mark Danielewski

Seeing as how in the past two years a war zone has been made of this campus, i have come up with ways to coop with the noise, the destruction and the really horrible detours we have to endure. With the coming of "fog" it has made the dirt moist, releasing one of my most favorite smells, wet dirt. Yes, I know Im a little on the odd side, but when you see a hundred or so year old redwood have an untimely death, you try to make the best of the situation. I have not become a hippie nazi,( although I have been characterized as "hippie goth") I just think it a really horrible thing to watch a tree fall at the hands of a power saw. Plus since I work near one of the "zones of death" its hard not to turn bitter when its noisey, they hit a gas pipe and I cant do replica plating, there is fungus growing on my agar because there is junk flying all over the place. Danm the construction!!! Ok, well my bitterness is fading since im gonna start packing to go home!!!!! Plus I am taking a night off and am vegging, letting all my hw, research researching and RA business pile up into an uncontrollable mess, my favorite to tackle. Ok, its time to wish I was Cat Womens daughter. Ha Ha!

You shall be my roots
I will be your shade
Though the sun burns my leaves
You shall quence my thirst ....

I just got off the phone with my mother, who most of you have heard from me to be a psychic. Well she was telling me a crazy thing that happened to her this past weekend involving my dead grandfather. I am starting to believe I belong to a family whose women have supernatural powers.Now I know most of you are probabaly rolling your eyes, but I cannot deny what I know about myself and about my female relatives, specifically my mother and my grandmother. I do not know why now my intuition has become as strong as it has, or why it happens to be passed on through the generations, but to me, I see it as a gift from the women in my family. Call me crazy, or whatever eles your thinking, but I have experiance in this and believe that I know and feel things that most people dont. I could give you a list of examples, but I will keep these to myself to protect the many people who directly or indirectly have been affected by this sense of mine. So to those of you in the future, if I ever tell you something, you might want to take my word for it, because I think that as I grow older, this sense will also grow, and I just might be right.

"...not everything in this magical world is quite what it seems.."

Since I was forced to stay in my room and read, I decided to make things more plesant and put on my headphones. I had recently burned a mix of classical music and that was my first choice. And well, it was really hard to concentrate on Marx when all I wanted to do was to pretend I was a water droplet. You may not understand this if you didnt attened a symphony with me in 5th grade. During the symphony they told us to close our eyes and pretend we were a water droplet. It was one of the most amazing things of my life and since then, anytime I hear classical music, I become a water droplet. Music seems to get inside of me, it brings a calm over me. There have been many a times where on my way to class I completely fade out of reality and dont wake up till im sitting in class. A whole half hour goes by without me noticing just because Im listening to music. Very cool.



"...sometimes I think you want me to touch you...."

Greetings from Santa Cruz!
my life is not mine anymore, it belongs to the university. So I finally was able to sneak away for a little while and let you all know that Im still alive. School sucks, I hate 2 of the 3 classes Im taking, which isnt surprising since Ive always hated math and plants. Thank God for sociology. I never thought I would be reading Marx for a class, its wonderful. My kids have yet to do something bad, so thats a relief, but I never thought that you would have to tell an 18 yr old to be quiet several times( everday) or to stop doing skateboard tricks in their room or to quit stealing dishes from the dining hall, or to smoke in designated areas or to quit playing basketball at 3 am and to keep their keys on them. I thought at 18 you were suppose to be an adult. Oh well, at least its just little things. Another aspect of my life is my research, which so far has gone well. Although all I am doing is making my bacteria genetic library, its kinda cool to be doing my own research. Vibrio cholerea rocks!!! Another chunk of of my life,is devoted to my clubs, which at our last SHAC meeting, there were all guys, and thats pretty impressive, I knew I was too beautiful to stay away from. CHE is still a wreak, all the core members have conflicting scheduals and so setting up a meeting time is tough. As for a social life, it consits of constant contact with my freshies, who, are not all that bad, they're pretty cool, and one of my kids knows Trungs sister, cool huh? Well, must go, Calculus calls, and I must start my half hour voyage to class. Everyone stay sane. I will try to do the same.

"...Inside you, time moves..."

Well Im upset so this is where Im going to vent. A girl was found on campus unconsious Friday night. She was found by a proctor and was sent to the hospital because she was totally unresponsive. She reported that she only had 1/2 a beer and 3 shots which of course is not enough to render you unconcious so its is assumed that she was slipped something. Sure enough she attended a frat party, a frat that has been known to brag about their date rape conquests. Ok, for those of you in a frat in SC, you(sorry if your not) are all idiots!! You are so not accepted in the first place here so why make yourselves more nauseating!! And how am I suppose to find a decent man when I have to worry about scum like you!! It makes me want to vomit. I just dont understand how people can be that way. I always felt very safe here, and now because some idiots happen to attend this school as well, I have to watch my back and my friends back to make sure we're not being preyed upon. Disgusted is the only word that I can think of to discribe my feelings towards these people. Frat boys suck just as much as calculus. And thats the worst insult because I dont hate anything more then calculus!! Friends be careful out there, I dont need to hear anymore bad news. I love you

"...Ill wash the streets from your skin when you come home..."

Im back!! Ill be a good girl and keep this at a reasonable legnth this time. I am really starting to appreciate this whole RA thing . It's not the free room and board thats got me all giddy, but all the wonderful things Ive been exposed to because of it. I have met some really great people and seen some really cool stuff that is offered here. I am now starting to believe that I attend a really awesome school, and fortunate for me, nobody outside of SC knows that. Last night I went to the GLBT center ( Gay, Lesbian, Bi and Transgender) and learned all about the subject, met some cool people and found a really cool space to just hang out. Plus its got a full kitchen, what more can you ask for? College has been a huge eye opener for me. Coming from a very conservative town, and then arriving here, its just amazing how much I really dont know. And no matter how much further I go in my quest for knowledge, I think I will always believe that. Very, very cool. Merrill College rocks. Not only does it house the most gorgeous girl on campus, it is home to places like the GLBT center, the radio station KZSC, the Peace Core, the Pottery Co-op, EnviroMerrill and has its own taqueria. I dont know why they call it Sterile Merrill. We have the coolest resources and because of Heart Attack hill, the nicests asses on campus. How can anyone complain. Ahhh, Santa Cruz, once the subject my inner torument, now where I call home. Dont worry all you SD folk, I will always be a San Diegan at heart, but I think, after all these years, Ive finally found my place here. How can one not feel so welecomed to a place where not only the people are friendly but so are the deer! And the be surrounded by the most magnificent species of trees. Did you know that redwoods get 90% of their water from fog? Isnt that so cool!! Ok, Ill stop, I think Im scaring some people, dont worry, Im just in a good mood.

".....ohh you creep up like the clouds and you set my soul at ease..."